safe and sound

km: for the weekend 27, for last week 60, this week 10 so far

Yes I made it back safe and sound from my adventures in the countryside on the weekend. You can all breathe a sigh of relief.

For those of you who missed my last missive I planned to run from Inverloch to Venus Bay on Saturday. True to my word, I set off from the roundabout at the edge of town in Inverloch at about 2pm for my “25k” run which subsequently turned out to be 27.

The first 22k into Tarwin Lower were quite comfortable, and quite strong. I had to keep an eye out for traffic, upset cows, snakes and dead animals on the side of the road, but this was all achieved with some aplomb.

There was a particularly nasty hill at about 17k which conveniently had a cemetary at its peak. I did consider checking in (it was a really nasty hill) but kept going, mainly because my mobile had no reception. I couldn’t perish without a last text message….

A brief stop in Tarwin Lower for a drink and to scare the locals and then the last 5k was an easy trot. So all up, it was 27k in about 1hr 50, which some quick arithmatic on the back of a coaster says is just over 4 minute ks.

menace 2 society

km: 11, for the week 37

It’s always the way: I write a beautifully crafted blog entry, positively brimming over with exquisitely phrased rage at minor breeches of train etiquette. Then the very next day my own lack of etiquette not only makes me known far and wide as a byword for all that is crude, uncouth and buffoonish, but puts the general public at serious risk of sudden verlent death.

“What on earth are you talking about?” I hear you ask.

Yes, well, I was getting to that. Hold your horses.

This morning, as I was huffing and puffing my way around the eastern suburbs I saw ahead of me a female runner, with long blonde hair. I was going to overtake her so I did my usual thing of stamping heavily, coughing and weezing so she’d realise there was someone behind her. Thinking about it now, having a heavily breathing, stamping bloke running up behind you is probably pretty scary for a woman at 5:30 in the morning. I may have to reconsider my approach.

Anyway, my “advanced warning” system had absolutely no effect. When I got level with her she jumped back, no – make that “recoiled in horror” – and displayed all the symptoms of a serious coronory.

I panicked a bit myself at that point, mumbled something like “sorry about that. YoooooOK?” and then sort of beetled off on my way.

I hope she’s okay…

Anyway – a good run otherwise. Tomorrow I’m going down to the seaside. More importantly, I’m going to attempt to run from Inverloch to Venus Bay (where I’ll be staying). It’s about 25k, well within my normal long-run range. I haven’t done this course yet, and I’m a bit concerned about traffic and/or being bitten by a snake and being out of mobile range. I’ll let you know how I go.

If I haven’t posted again by next Wednesday, can someone send out a search party? Look for a tired runner passed out, and possibly in advanced stages of rigor-mortis, somewhere on the side of the road around Tarwin Lower.

more bad behaviour

Today’s entry was going to be all about running etiquette. You know, when to overtake, whether to politely cough, yell “track” or fall over and feign a heart attack etc.

However, in the course of 45 minutes on the Lilydale line last night the topic quickly morphed from running etiquette to train etiquette via variations on “I want to wring that guy’s neck”. (And yes occasionally I do think about what I’m going to write in advance).

I’m a creature of habit, sometimes extremely so. Everyday after work I get on the train at the same time, via the same door in the same carriage, sit in roughly the same seat, eat the same lunch (I could go on).

I also really like peace and quiet, especially after a long day’s work. There’s nothing better than sitting quietly for a while staring out the window or reading a book to recharge the batteries.

Which brings me to this guy last night.

He talks.

Now I know that doesn’t sound so bad. But really, you have to hear the guy. He barely draws breath for the whole trip. He must have some sort of circular breathing thing happening. And he talks absolute shite. It doesn’t even make sense. And it’s so effin loud. It drives me insane.

I’ve tried headphones, but I have to turn them up so loud I’m almost deafened. I’ve tried moving seats (grrrrrrr) but his voice reeeaaally travels.

The worst thing is, I know I’m being completely unreasonable. He’s not breaking any laws – no feet on the seats, or cigarettes; he probably has a ticket. You can’t just walk up to a stranger and say “shut the eff up”.

I guess the alternative is what’s happening now – I go slowly insane and presumably at some point in the future make like a disgruntled US Postal worker and/or get all medieval on his ass.

oh…

I mean to say yesterday – I did 13k including some intervals at the athletics track at Croydon at about 5:30am. I can’t believe I was doing laps of an athletics track in Croydon at 5:30am. What has my life come to?

bad behaviour

Km: 13.624, for the week: 26

You know we’re in trouble when Today Tonight is driving the country’s news agenda, but that’s what seems to have happened this week. The big story, in case you haven’t heard, is around a bunch of morons from Werribee, or thereabouts, who filmed themselves doing a whole series of violent, stupid things including sexually assaulting a 17 year-old girl. They then made it into a DVD and sold it at various schools across the western suburbs.

Violence, pornography, entrepenaurialism and obsessive self-promotion all seem to be encouraged lately, but in this case they’ve come in for bit of fire. (and seem to be in some trouble with the rozzers).

Most of the comment I’ve seen seems along the lines of “how could anyone do this to a girl? It doesn’t make sense”.

Well, yes and no.

By any civilised standards, what the boys in the videos did was wrong, appalling. I can’t condemn it enough. Also, filming yourself and then selling the DVD in schools makes it even worse. But from their point of view it probably does make sense.

What everyone has been overlooking is, what you might call, the Jackass factor. The DVD looks like Jackass DVD, the boys act like Jackass guys and do stuff that they probably think Jackass would do.

“But wait” I hear you say, “Jackass is just for fun. They don’t rape anyone on the show.”

Well that’s true, but from a 16 year-old male perspective it’s not really the point. The reason Jackass is so successful is that it deliberately steps outside normal boundaries; they’re intentionally painful, stupid and offensive.

To me, that sounds exactly like the morons from Werribee.

enough already

km: for the weekend 28, this morning 12

A new day dawns and with it a new week, and as I sit over my morning sip of the soothing oolong and smoked kipper, the snail on its bud and the lark on the wing; I say to myself “Can I possibly fit more PG Wodehouse references into this sentence without a crowbar?”

Well, no, obviously. It’s probably not even physically possible in this day and age, when Ask Jeeves has become the infinitely less pleasing “Ask”, and using of the words “spats”, “terribly white” and “Gussie Fink-Nottle” only gets you blank stares of incomprehension, even amongst the intelligentsia.

Er, where was I?

Ah yes – that’s it. It’s a new day and a damn fine one too. I woke this morning with the birds, left my loved-ones sleeping like babes and semi-slept-walked for 12.38km (thankyou Mr Gmaps Pedometer) through the wilds of Croydon and Ringwood. The snail was on its bud… wait stop that, I’m starting to go around in circles.

In media news, my bid for the 9 network has run into a couple of challenges in the form of a bunch of venture capitalists from the US. Using the quick thinking for which this blog is world-renowned, I decided to switch to buying the Age, only to find another rich Yankee had just bought great slabs of that too. I’m beginning to suspect these billionaires know something I don’t.

I guess that’s what you get when you go around NOT giving money to the Liberal party.

karl stefanovic

Km: 13, for the week: 23

Good and bad today, faithful readers and generous benefactors…

Bad first -Within two days my running related mood seems to have gone from stellar to somewhere down low with the wines and spirits. It might have something to do with the fact that I woke up at exactly 5:20 this morning, never the best time to be awake. It might have something to do with the fact that I managed to be both hot and sweaty AND rained upon.

Hmmm…

On the plus side, as I staggered along the Mullum-Mullum trail, looking like Paris Hilton falling out of a nightlub, I overheard a nice lady say to her husband “I’ll never be able to run that fast”. I would like to take this opportunity to say to that lady “thankyou. You have made my day”.

In financial news, my plan to buy channel 9 proceeds a-pace. At last count I’ve raised $4billion plus whatever lies between Em‘s cushions.

Our proposed schedule of endless reruns of great marathons past and present is a potential ratings bonanza.

There is some debate as to the best way to handle Mike Munro (“not at all thankyou”, “with a bargepole” are common opinions). The best idea I’ve heard so far is to put him, Karl Stefanovik, Ray Martin, Richard Wilkins and the guy who hosts Temptation in a small room and then drown them all in brill-cream.

As always, I’m open to suggestions.

I have a proposition for you

No wait, really, it’s not another one of those Nigerian banking scams people apparently still fall for. And no, I don’t want to see your bank account details. And no, I don’t want to see you or anyone else naked or give you any pills that will magically improve your sexual performance. (I’m saving them for me.)

This is far better…

I’m going to buy the 9 network, and I need your help. I know runners are a pretty high-powered, successful bunch, so I have no doubt you have a lazy couple of billion lying about somewhere in the Bahamas and are just itching to spend it on something useful. Oh, and by “useful” I don’t mean your 14th pair of Kayanos.

So here’s my plan of attack:

1. you send me 3, no better make it 4 billion smackeroos
2. I’ll phone up James Packer and put the hard word on him
3. we replace the entire schedule with repeats of old Zatopek races. (happy to negotiate on this).

This might seem a bit excessive to you, but that’s because I haven’t mentioned the best bit:

4. We’ll get to “bone” Eddie McGuire. I haven’t decided on the exact wording, but I’m thinking the words “you’ll never work again” may feature heavily.

So who’s in with me?

bliss

km: 10, for the week, 10

Reading back through some of my posts for the past few months, I think I’ve made running look like a bit of a slog; bloody, difficult, sweaty and generally awful. Well I don’t take any of that back. It’s all of those and more.

But there are some days when it’s just so good that all of this seems worthwhile. Today was one of them.

The sun was shining, it was pleasantly cool and the air was clear. In the distance I could see what looked like Jaykay and Michelle motoring along the Mullum Mullum creek trail. The birds had gotten into the spirit of things and were variously chortling and tootling. Even the magpies, normally my sworn enemies at this time of the year, were so full of bonhomie that they refrained from their usual dive-bombing routine.

Who would have thought it? Heaven on earth is 6am on a Tuesday morning in Ringwood?